Life goes on doesn't it?
by stevieLUVSAlex
Summary: This is taken eight months after Elliot ressigned. Olivia gets a spontanious call from him, having not heard from him in all that time and her reaction is a little... well, strange! LAST CHAPTER UP!
1. Eight months

_**A/N: This one goes out to Mariah94, who asked for a new E/O FF and my muse instantly returned… so thank you, Mariah94, for giving me back my muse. =))**_

It had been close to eight months since Elliot had turned in his resignation, and over the course of those eight months Olivia hadn't heard a single word from him. She had called his cell phone the day he'd left, to find that it was disconnected, and when she rang Kathy's phone, that too had been disconnected. There was no way to track him, and she realized that he was avoiding her.

What she couldn't understand was why. Why hadn't he bothered to tell her that he was leaving? Why hadn't he given her a chance to say goodbye? She understood if the job had been too much. She understood that he had killed a young girl, and it was something he couldn't live with if he remained on the job. Olivia understood, as she always did. But she was his best friend, how had he found it so easy to just turn his back and walk away without a word?

It wasn't that he knew how deeply in love with him she had been. After all, he'd always been married, and when he had been divorced, she hadn't been there with him in order to see if they were meant to be. Olivia accepted that he was her soulmate but she wasn't his, and she had always been content just being his friend. It was enough for her… until he left without a word.

So when the phone rang at her desk, late one Friday night, the last person she expected to hear from was Elliot himself.

"Olivia Benson!" she answered in the same business-like tone she'd always answered the phone with.

"Liv," his voice streamed through the receiver.

Olivia gasped in surprise. It was a voice she had dreamt about for many years, a voice that no matter how many years she'd have to live without it, she'd never forget. Her hand flew to her erratically beating heart and her concentration regarding the paperwork in front of her was quickly forgotten.

"Elliot?" she breathed. Olivia felt the air get trapped in her lungs and for a moment she could have sworn her heart stopped beating.

"Yeah," he replied. His voice sounded strange. "How are you?"

The anger was quick to rise, following the shock of hearing his voice. What right did he have to call her and ask how she was, as if nothing untoward had happened between them? As if he had simply seen her the day before. Olivia was livid. For eight months she and grieved inconsolably for him. She had cried herself to sleep every night, wondering why he didn't care enough about her to at least warrant a goodbye.

"I'm flippin' fantastic," she snapped, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "How are you?"

There was a short pause.

"You must be angry," he said quietly.

"No," she said. "I'm happy as a clam. Why would I be angry?"

Elliot sighed through the phone. "I'd like to explain myself. Will you meet me?"

"No," she stated bluntly.

"No?"

"That's right, no. I won't meet you. I won't pretend that I only saw you yesterday. I won't talk to you like we spoke only an hour ago, you pompous ass! I was your _partner_!" Olivia was seething. "Did that mean nothing to you?"

"You know you did," he replied. "I really want to explain-"

"I'm not interested!" she hissed. "You lost that right when you threw it all away eight months ago. _Eight months_, El! What the hell did you think you were doing? I had a right to know your decision. I had a right to a goodbye, and you never even gave me that. I haven't heard from you in eight months, and now you decide to call. I don't owe you any favours."

Olivia hadn't done as well as she would have liked, without him. She came to the precinct everyday and did her job with no emotion and very little compassion for those she once had it for. When she went home, she curled up on the couch and cried, eating very little and associating with no one. She'd lost a lot of weight since he'd been gone, and Cragen, Fin and Munch had been worried. Olivia refused drinks with the boys after work. She refused a new partner, and when she was assigned to one, she made their life a living hell until they asked the Captain for someone else.

Cragen went easy on her, knowing that her rebellious nature came from a dark place, a place where she missed what she'd never had, a place where she couldn't understand why she had been abandoned, again by someone she completely trusted. A place where she still held onto the hope that maybe he'd come back for her.

But Olivia was no longer under that illusion. She was passing the grieving period and she was angry. VERY angry!

"You don't owe me anything," he agreed. "You're right, what I did was mean and selfish-"

"Damn right, it was!" she interrupted.

"Will you be the bigger person and meet me. Let me explain why… give me a chance to make things better… please, Liv…"

She closed her eyes at the way he said her name. She'd missed that among other things. But she had to protect her heart. She had to protect herself from that same measure of hurt that she could never get over. Because if she was hurt by him again, she was afraid that she just might not survive it.

"No," she whispered holding back the tears. No, she didn't have the strength to go through it all again. "You messed up. Deal with it." She slammed the phone down then, and sat at her desk trembling. Olivia hadn't been prepared for that phone call.

"Who was that?" Cragen asked from his office doorway.

Olivia avoided his eyes. "No one," she muttered. "Wrong number."

_**I might leave you here… hehehehe… haven't done a cliff-hanger in a while. Don't worry I have plans for the next chapter, taken from Elliot's POV. =)**_

_**Reviews tell me you would like me to write the next chapter. **_


	2. Accident

_**A/N: I present to you the second chapter… I warn you in advance, some might REALLY like the direction the story is going and others won't (the ones that won't are NOT E/O shippers)!**_

Elliot placed the phone down on the cradle and sighed heavily as he leaned back against the couch, where he'd sat perched since he'd had the courage to call her. He didn't blame her for her abrasive attitude. He knew he deserved it. He had been a totally jerk for walking away, but it hadn't been that easy.

Kathy had done what she'd always done and given him an ultimatum – leave his job or leave his family. Kathy couldn't live with him anymore, especially his moodiness, and never having opened up to her, as he tried in his twisted way to protect her from the horrors of his job. Kathy didn't see what he saw, and he didn't regret keeping it from her. He was sure she would have spent nights awake as he did, worrying about her family, checking on the kids every few minutes to make sure no one had come after them.

Elliot knew after he'd killed the young girl that there was no possible way he could keep working as he had been for the last twelve years. The guilt had tipped him over the edge, and he had spent that night alone, over-looking a ten story building, and wondering who would really miss him if he jumped. So when Kathy had approached him the next morning with her last ultimatum, the choice had been easier to make.

"I don't want you to say goodbye to Liv. I don't want you to make a big deal out of leaving," she had urged. "I just want you to put in your papers and then you and I are taking the kids somewhere out of this God-forsaken place. I want to move… anywhere. I don't care. But I don't want to be here anymore. We need a fresh start. You can do whatever you want, except police work."

It was a big ultimatum to be faced with, considering his whole life had been the force. But he understood how she had been supportive of him for so many years, maybe she deserved this now, maybe it was Kathy's turn at living. She had, after all, raised their five children by herself.

"Alright," he agreed. "Let's do it."

Kathy's face had been etched with shock. She hadn't been expecting it to be so easy. He assured her that he was all in, and although he didn't feel like it was fair to leave Olivia in the lurch he would oblige to her request. They talked about where they'd move to for a while and then told the children. The older ones refused to leave, having been in college, but were happy enough that their father was quitting work to be with Kathy.

The next eight months were hell. Elliot couldn't find a job where they situated in New Jersey and Kathy was constantly bickering at him. He missed Olivia, more than he would ever care to admit, and he missed work, too. It wasn't as easy as just simply letting go. It had been his life for as long as he could remember.

The accident had taken him by surprise, as it did his children. They all came to be with him in New Jersey for a few days, stopping their lives to grieve for their mother who had been killed in an automobile accident – a drunk driver. Eli, at the youngest, didn't understand what was going on, all he knew was that his mother was gone and his daddy said she wasn't coming back.

Elliot felt he needed Olivia with him, at the funeral, and the kids could sure use the support, too. He knew for certain that Olivia would come – had she listened long enough to discover that Kathy had been killed. He decided to wait an hour, to give her a chance to calm down and then call again.

But when he called back all he got was the answering machine at her desk. He called her mobile, and heard the click of the dial tone as that too went straight to voice mail. He groaned in frustration and threw the phone across the room, watching as it bounced on the soft plush couch.

"Dad, is everything okay?" Kathleen asked seeing the pain etched across her father's side.

"Olivia's not answering," he explained.

"Do you want me to try?" she offered. "She'll talk to me…"

"I don't think it will do any good," he said honestly. Elliot could see that Olivia was serious about shutting him out.

Kathleen extended her hand. "Let me try," she said.

Elliot handed her the phone.

_**Mmmm, do you like? =))**_

_**Reviews are pretty… *gazes at each review like it's love***_


	3. New Jersey

_**A/N: Chapter three… don't know what to say about this chapter, except… nope, nothing! Read on… =)).**_

"Olivia Benson!" she answered.

"Olivia?" the voice replied.

It was a familiar voice, one she was sure she'd heard a million times before.

"Yes," she replied sceptically. "Speaking."

"It's Kathleen Stabler!"

Of course it was! Olivia felt the anger rise into the throat again, as she fiddled with the hem of her t-shirt. What right did Elliot have to use his daughter that way? "Listen, Kathleen, I know you're just trying to help but this is between your father and I, and I don't-"

"Please, Olivia… please listen." There was something devastating about her tone of voice that made Olivia stop and pay attention. "Mum died…"

The weight of her words dropped on Olivia like a tonne of bricks. Kathy was dead! How could that be? Suddenly the guilt of hanging up on him, made her sigh heavily. "Oh, my God… I'm so sorry. Oh, Kathleen… I really-"

"It's alright," she replied. "Dad needs you, Olivia. Will you come?"

"Come where?" she asked. "I don't even know where the hell he is? Where are you?"

"New Jersey!" Kathleen answered. "I can text you the address. I think dad still has your cell phone number, because he keeps looking at his phone and then snapping it shut," she said.

Was that true? She wondered. Had he wanted to call her, and chickened out?

Why didn't all that matter anymore? Why did her anger toward him suddenly diminish? Why did all those emotions toward him no longer matter? It seemed stupid and juvenile now that she would hang up on him when he had called. She wasn't a child. It was something that children did.

"Olivia?" Kathleen asked.

"I'm still here."

"Will you come?"

Olivia thought for a moment. "Yes, Kathleen. I'll be there tomorrow."

"Will you stay for a while?" she begged.

Did his daughter really expect her to sleep in his house? Olivia wasn't sure about that. Maybe she'd get a hotel room… that seemed like a better idea.

"I'll see," she replied, refusing to make promises she couldn't keep. "I'm sorry that happened to you, Kathleen. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Thanks, Olivia."

"Look after your dad for me," Olivia sighed, wishing she was already there.

"I will. Bye."

It took effort for Olivia to place the phone did and when she did she found the tears already rolling down her face. They didn't always get on, given the fact that Kathy always thought she was trying to steal her husband, but she had always respected her. Kathy had put up with a lot in her marriage to Elliot, the late nights and the constant abandonment. Olivia wasn't sure she could have stayed in a marriage like that, and for that reason alone, she had liked Kathy.

It was horrible that she had died. And then Olivia realized that she'd never asked _how_ it had happened.

_**Sorry it's a short one. I'll make the next one longer. =))**_

_**Review PLEASE… I need to smile today!**_


	4. Seeing Elliot

_**A/N: As promised this one is a little longer than the last one. =)). Sorry for the late upload, I had friends over… you know how it is… =))**_

Olivia threw in the last of her clothes and then zipped up her suitcase. She looked around the room to see if she had forgotten anything, but she didn't think she did. Olivia wasn't sure how long she'd be gone, so she packed a few pairs of undies just to be sure.

Then she called Cragen. "I need a few days off," she explained vaguely.

"What happened?" he asked in his father-like tone.

"Kathy died, Captain. Elliot needs me."

There was a long silence.

"Look after yourself," he sighed. Olivia had a feeling that Cragen would have told her to stay if he thought she'd agree. But Olivia was going, whether she had to climb to high heaven to get there. Elliot was her friend, and he needed her. That's all that mattered. "Tell Elliot I'm sorry, and I am sure I speak for Munch and Fin, as well."

"I will be sure to pass it on, thanks."

"See you when you get back."

Olivia hung up the phone and then dragged the suitcase out to her car, and locked up the house, before she slid behind the wheel of her Sedan – the borrowed one from the precinct. The drive to New Jersey seemed long and was extremely tiring, taking over three and a half hours to get there, stopping only once to grab a bottle of water and something to eat. She was determined to get there as quickly as possible, sitting on the speed limit.

As she double checked the address that Kathleen had sent to her cell phone, she arrived in Cherry Hill, New Jersey and pulled into the driveway. The house was of average size, cream brick with a paved driveway. Olivia pulled the Sedan behind the large black SUV and smiled, knowing full well the car belonged to Elliot.

_Maybe he's compensating for something_, she thought teasingly.

Olivia climbed out of the car, just in time to meet Kathleen in the driveway.

"Hi," she greeted throwing her arms around Olivia's neck and bursting into tears. "I'm so glad you're here."

"Me, too," she said holding Kathleen tightly in her arms. She knew what it was like to lose her mother, and she would have done anything to take away Kathleen's pain. Olivia pulled the girl at arm's length. "You've gotten taller."

Kathleen shrugged. "I guess."

"Is everyone else here?" Olivia asked, wondering mostly about Elliot.

"Maureen had to go back to school, and the twins are staying with grandma," she explained. "It's just me, dad and Eli."

Olivia nodded and took Kathleen's hand as the two women walked up to the house.

Elliot met her in the hallway, and her heart just about broke in half at the sight of him. He looked half dead. His face was pale, and he slumped his shoulders. He looked like he hadn't taken a shower in weeks and the short beard he had accumulated on his chin, told her that he hadn't shaved either. Elliot had always been strict about keeping a clean shave, and this new look made him age at least ten years.

"Hey, Liv… thanks for coming."

Olivia shrugged. "Always. We were partners for twelve years, El. I can't just walk away from you, though sometimes it would be easier if I could. But El, you're like jelly to my peanut butter."

Elliot couldn't conceal his smile.

"I'll just let the two of you catch up," Kathleen said unable to stop a laugh erupting.

"Check in on Eli, will you?" Elliot asked his face expression still again.

"Sure," Kathleen agreed disappearing down the hallway.

Olivia looked at Elliot and she found that the anger and resentment she had for him was gone, and without waiting another moment she took a step toward him and pulled her arms around his neck, hugging him closely. It only took a moment for Elliot to return the gesture, and the two of them remain locked in an embrace for a long time.

Finally, Olivia untangled herself and took a step back.

"So you're mum has the twins?" Olivia asked making conversation.

"Yeah," he nodded sadly. "When she found out about Kathy, she really stepped up her game. I think helping Kathleen a few years ago was the bridge to helping our relationship get back on track… I should probably thank you for that."

"I did what any partner would do," she said. "You would have done the same."

"I hope so," he replied.

"I'm really sorry about Kathy," she said meaning it.

He nodded.

"What happened? I don't know…"

"It was a car accident - drunk driver. He swerved on the highway to miss a kid on her bicycle," he said bitterly.

"What the hell was a kid doing on the highway without parents?" she asked mirroring his previous thoughts. Just then he looked at her and smiled. She understood him in ways that he didn't understand himself, and she was his best friend…

"Liv, I… I'm sorry I never called and told you about quitting. I just…"

"We'll talk about it later."

"Yeah, sure, later. You must be tired."

"I'm gonna stay at a hotel and I'll come back tomorrow and-"

He was already shaking his head. "No, please stay here."

"I can't," she told him.

"Please…"

"El, I don't think that's such a good idea, I-"

"I need you."

Damn him! Olivia nodded. "Alright."

_**What is it with men's hold over women, and they don't even know it most of the time… LOL! The "jelly and peanut butter" comment, I must admit I STOLE, from some awesome chick on you tube… if you're reading this, the line was too epic to leave untouched. Sorry.**_

_**Review *bats eyelashes* **_


	5. Cooking

_**A/N: I liked writing this chapter… it's just funny to me because- well, you'll find out. **_

Olivia placed a plate of food in front of Elliot, who looked up at her with the smallest of smiles. He appreciated the gesture. Since losing Kathy, he hadn't bothered to cook anything. In fact, he'd barely eaten anything at all.

"Thanks. Since when did you acquire a skill for cooking?" he teased.

Olivia's favourite past-time was take-away, she didn't own any cooking utensils and Elliot was sure she didn't even possess a pot or a pan.

"A lot has changed in the last eight months, El. I've changed," she said trying to keep the bitterness out of her voice. "I have experienced new things, even cooking…"

"You like cooking now?" he asked with amusement. "No more take-out boxes."

"Don't mock me," she scolded. "You're still on probation. I wouldn't push it if I were you."

"Sorry," he smiled. "I just find the concept of you and cooking a little unnerving," he looked down at the plate with a cautious glare and leaned over to smell the aroma of pasta bake.

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Beware! I poisoned you," she said with sarcasm.

Elliot laughed and then stopped abruptly, his smiling vanishing quickly as he realized that the smile on his face was a complete contradiction of his current-running emotions. For a single second, he'd forgotten that Kathy was dead and enjoyed the old friendly-banter that he shared with his long-missed partner, reminding him of the days that were no more.

Olivia seemed to understand the sudden change in facial expressions and she offered him an encouraging smile and a few words of advice. "You don't have to feel guilty for laughing, El. It doesn't mean that you care any less or you miss her any less."

"Her funeral is tomorrow."

"I know," she nodded. I'll be there, El. I'll be beside you the whole time, you don't have to do this on your own. I promise."

Elliot nodded, grateful that she had forgiven him enough to come to New Jersey. "I know. Thanks, Liv. I know that I owe you a hundred explan-"

"Another day," she insisted. "It can wait."

_**Quick and cute… hope you liked it. **_

_**Want another chapter?**_


	6. Funeral

_**A/N: excuse me for the lateness of this chapter, I actually forgot about it, so I had to write it. =)). Hehehe. This is kinda sad. So… *shrugs***_

Olivia rose with the sun. In Kathleen's room, she dressed for the funeral and then disappeared into the bathroom to wash her face and beautify herself for the day's events. For a long time she stood before the mirror, not to look at her reflection but to look through it. Olivia wondered what would have happened if it had been her funeral today and not Kathy's. How would have Elliot handled it?

There were things Olivia had always wanted to do with her life, at times when she wasn't working at the precinct, which was never. But she had once written a list of 'things to do before I die' and on the top of the list was Elliot's name.

Of course, there was a time and place for that conversation and today was not one of them. Today, was a chance for Elliot and his children to say goodbye to their mother, a striking pain in their heart that Olivia knew too well. She was glad that she could be there for them, knowing the experience was difficult without the added comments of someone who didn't understand.

Olivia decided to make herself useful while she could.

She was cooking in the kitchen by the time Elliot came in for breakfast. He met her eyes across the room. "You don't have to do all this," he told her looking at the plates of different foods spread out on the bench. Olivia didn't know what the children liked, and so she had made a selection of things, from pancakes to French toast.

"This is going to be a tough day for you and the children already," she said softly. "I don't want anything to add to that if I can help it."

"Yeah okay," he nodded. "Thanks, Liv."

"You're welcome. Sit down. I'll pour you a coffee," she offered.

Richard – Dickie – was the next to descend the stairs and enter the kitchen. "Something smells good," he said quietly.

"Are you hungry?" Olivia asked.

"Sure," he nodded sitting on the empty chair beside his father. A look passed between the two men.

"How you doing, son?" Elliot asked.

"Okay," he replied. "You?"

"I'll alright. Where are your sisters?"

"Fighting over the bathroom," he shrugged.

"Dad?" Lizzie's voice called from the upstairs hallway. "Maureen won't get out of the bathroom! I have to have a shower!"

Elliot looked over at Olivia, who offered him a small smile, and he rose from the chair to attend to his girl's.

Olivia set a plate before Richard, as he preferred to be called now. "Thanks, Liv."

"Can I get you a glass of orange juice or-"

"Coffee will be good."

Olivia frowned but she didn't pick the time to ask him if he was old enough to drink coffee, or what his mother would think. This was the one day when minute things such as that went unnoticed. It seemed ridiculous to make a big deal of something so insignificant.

She poured him a coffee and set it down before him. he simply stared at it.

"Mom didn't like me drinking coffee," he admitted. "She said it stunts your growth."

Olivia laid a hand on his shoulder. "I'll get you some juice," she said.

She poured four glasses for the children, and prepared a bottle for Eli and then set them in place on the table. Olivia herself wasn't hungry, and even the sweet aroma of food that filled the air wasn't enough to change her mind.

The children were grateful for breakfast, but with the mood of a funeral hovering above their heads, none of them cleaned their plates. Olivia washed up and tidied up the kitchen as the rest of them dressed for the service at 11.

Olivia drove them to the church in the big SUV, and held Eli's hand as he weaved through the crowd of people, one step behind his dad and the rest of his siblings. Elliot turned and took Eli gently from her arms. "I've got him," he said.

Olivia offered him an encouraging smile.

Olivia watched as Elliot and his children greeted other mourners, family and friends, as she silently waited on the sidelines, offering support only when she was needed and giving them space when she wasn't.

Elliot and the children sat in the first row, each of them with grief-stricken expressions etched across their face. The pastor said his piece, talking about the will of God and the place that Kathy had been offered up in heaven, looking down on her family. Elliot was a strict Catholic, so the service was fit as such.

Finally, Elliot was called to the stage to say a few words.

"My wife, Kathy, was a soccer-mum of sorts. She was an extraordinary woman who put up with a lot from me and sacrificed a lot regarding my job, but she never once faltered in her responsibilities as a mother or a wife. Kathy was a beautiful woman with a personality to match. I lucky to have known her, and as my childhood sweetheart, I was lucky to get all the years I had with her… I don't think I told her that enough. She was my dream. This woman is irreplaceable, not only to me, because I lost my friend but to her children, to our children… and especially Eli who will never get the chance to know his mother and the joy that brings to their life. "

He had tears in his eyes when he took his seat again. Maureen and Kathleen who were seated on either side of him, reached for his hand and held it tightly as a few others got up to speak.

When the service was over, everyone was invited to the little building next door, which was laid out with morning tea and coffee.

_**I thought this was deserved a little longer than the last few. I hope you liked it. =)) Excuse me if I got it wrong the way funerals work in the US, but as an Aussie it's how they work here.**_

_**Reviews are appreciated. **_


	7. Plans

_**A/N: Hey guys. Excuse the tardiness. I'm still alive… in case you were wondering… sorry its short. Enjoy anyway! =))**_

_**FOUR MONTHS LATER**_

"Benson!" Cragen called from his office doorway.

Olivia lifted her head from the paperwork.

"Line one…" he said gesturing to the phone.

Olivia expected it to be some previous victim that wanted or needed her attention, there was rarely another reason that the call was transferred from Cragen to Olivia.

"Olivia Benson!" she answered.

"It's nice to hear your voice," came the reply.

"El?" she smiled. "Hi."

"Hey. Listen, I was thinking of coming up to New York and was wondering if you wanted to catch up? Get a coffee or something and have a chat. I have something I want to talk to you about," he explained.

"Sure," she agreed.

Olivia had left Elliot in New Jersey a few days after the funeral, but they had made a point to keep in touch. Neither of them were willing to make the same mistake, though Elliot never had explained his reason for suddenly disappearing without a goodbye. She would ask him when the time was right, but she never felt it was, and so the subject was left untouched.

"Great," he sounded pleased. "I'll call you when I'm in the city. I'll be due in around eight o'clock tonight."

"Okay," she smiled at the prospect of seeing him. The weeks that had passed in between felt too long and she had missed him. It wasn't easy being without him when she had spent so many years practically living in his pocket, so to speak. "Maybe we could do dinner?" she suggested.

"That sounds good," he agreed.

"Alright. I'll see you later."

The two hung up and Olivia went back to her paperwork, intent on finishing it before Elliot came into the City.

When the boss came out of the office, he asked how things were and she told him that he was coming in for dinner. Cragen looked relieved.

"How is he doing?"

"Okay," she said. "I think. Better."

"Good to hear. You look after him. Give me my best."

"Mine, too," Fin added grabbing his jacket from the back of his chair. "I got to go catch a perp."

"Have fun," Olivia smiled weakly.

"Ah, the fun of the job is catching criminals," Munch said turning to join his partner.

"I think I must have missed that memo," she joked.

Munch blew her a kiss and the two partners headed out, leaving Olivia to finish up alone.

_**Sorry for the shortness – AGAIN. Hope it was worth a review at least. I have NOT forgotten the story, just have lost my muse is all. =))**_


	8. The reality

**A/N: OMG! I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry that I didn't finish this story. I was flicking through old FF's and reading odds and ends and I didn't realize that this one had not been finished. I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry. =/ I will make it up to you by giving you an EXTRA LONG chapter to finish up.**

**A re-cap: Elliot LEFT after shooting that girl and moved to New Jersey. No contact with Liv for eight months. Elliot called and she didn't want to know about it. Kathleen informed her that Kathy had been killed in a car accident. Olivia went to the funeral. FOUR MONTHS LATER… El was coming into town and they agreed to have dinner. **

**=))**

Olivia was finishing off the last of her paperwork when she felt a shadow fall behind her. She was smiling before she even looked up.

"Hi, El," she greeted as she turned to look at his face.

She was surprised to find the wrinkles on his face had aged him at least two years since she had seen him a few weeks ago. Things for him had been rough, and he was glad to be in the presence of his old partner. Sometimes it was things like that that seemingly made him realize he still had something in his life to hold onto.

"Hi," his smile was forced.

"Are you ready to go?" she asked, standing from her desk and grabbing her leather jacket from the back of the chair.

"Yeah," he nodded. Olivia would ask him how he was coping when the time was right, now didn't seem like that time. Elliot helped her slip her arms through the jacket and then reached out to envelope her in a hug. "I've missed you," he whispered in her ear.

Olivia blushed. "I've missed you, too."

Elliot pulled away and led her out of the precinct.

Outside in the cold New York air, Elliot opened the passenger's side door for her, and she climbed in, buckling her seatbelt as she remembered all the old ways about Elliot Stabler. Life had not been the same in his absence, and she was sure if he went back to New Jersey, it would change again. Olivia wasn't naïve. She knew that life changed. She knew that people changed. But she didn't like it. Olivia liked routine. She liked to know that the next day wouldn't be that different from the last. But if Elliot came back and turned her life upside down, she was more than willing to make the needed changes to keep him.

Elliot slipped into the driver's seat and pulled into traffic a few moments later, driving her to their favourite restaurant. Olivia smiled as he pulled the car into an empty spot in the parking lot. He killed the engine and looked over at Olivia. "You okay?"

Olivia nodded meeting his gaze. "Yes. I'm fine."

"Ready then?"

"Yes," she said. "I'm ready."

A little while later, the two of them were seated at a table for two by the window, waiting for their order to come.

"How are the kids?" she asked, as she folded her hands into her lap.

"They're doing okay," he answered. "It's been rough on the younger ones. Maureen and Kathleen are keeping busy with school and- they're hanging in there. I worry about Eli, not having a mother," he looked into Olivia's eyes when he said that and she felt the air leave her lungs. Was she imagining it? Was it wishful thinking?

"He has you," she replied.

"I don't think I'm enough," he shrugged. "I don't know what to say him when he asks about her. Why she had to go away… why she isn't there to read him a story? Every night is the same. I want to tell him that she'll be back. I want to give him back his mum, and I can't…"

Olivia felt her own heartbreak.

"Anyway, it's the way it is, isn't it?" he shrugged. "There isn't much I can do about it."

Olivia nodded in agreement. "No, there isn't."

Dinner came and for a few minutes the two of them ate in silence, before Elliot could no longer stand the lack of conversation. "How's work?"

"The same," she said, picking off the salad from his plate as she used to do and giving him her fries. "We catch paedophiles and rapists and murders and there's always more out there. It's never ending. It's hard. It's-" she shook her head. She didn't to explain it to him. No one could ever forget the kind of work they did at SVU.

"I owe you something, Liv," he said thoughtfully, laying down his fork. "You came to the funeral. You were there when I was in desperate need of a friend."

"You know we never did talk about…"

"Yeah," he nodded, not having to ask what she was referring to. "I think this confession is long overdue. I was pretty messed up when I shot that girl- I didn't want to deal with what happened and when Kathy gave me an ultimatum, she gave me an easy-out. She told me that I had to cut all ties with everyone," he said. Olivia had the feeling that he was talking about her but she let him go on. "She gave me a chance at a fresh life. Start over. Move away. I didn't work on the force again, I don't think I could have worked with anyone else but you."

Olivia was relieved that he mirrored some of her own thoughts. She had to work without him, but it had been harder than anything else she'd ever been through. It was like learning to live without a limb. It wasn't without pain and difficulty.

"It's not easy," she said.

"You were always stronger than me, Liv. You always had a strength that I never did."

"That's not true."

"Yes it is," he said confidently. "I couldn't have done what you did. I couldn't have gone on working as easily as you did."

Olivia sucked the air into her lungs. "You think it was easy? You think there wasn't a single moment where I wished you were there with me? You think that I went home and I slept like a baby? You think that I took up every invitation to go out and have a good time? Do you really think I went on as if nothing had changed?"

"It doesn't matter, Liv. You went on without me," he pointed out. "And I'm glad you did. I wouldn't want you to feel bad. I did enough of that on my own."

Olivia stood from her chair, feeling angry again. He made it sound easy. "I'm think I'm done."

He stood up, ready to follow her out if he had to. "I don't want you to go," he stated. "Please. I know that I didn't handle it all the way I should have. I didn't come here to fight with you. I don't want that. I want to talk… I want-"

_I want you to kiss me_, she thought silently_. But we don't always get what we want_.

"I want to know how to make it better."

_Give me back the last year_. "I'm tired."

"Let me take you home," he offered eagerly.

Olivia nodded.

Elliot offered to walk her to her door, and when she declined, he got out of the car and did so anyway. She opened the door and turned to him.

_Ask him to stay? _

"Elliot, I-"

"Olivia, I-"

They both laughed.

_Ask him!_

"El, do you want to… I mean, I- do you want to come in?"

Elliot smiled. "Yeah, I do."

Olivia gestured for him to go in first and she followed his lead. They walked the stairs and she unlocked her apartment to let him in. The place was a mess. Clothes thrown about all over the place. Dishes in the sink. She hadn't had a chance to clean up.

"Wow, you been having wild parties?" he teased, looking around the apartment.

"It kind reflects my life," she said, enjoying the irony. "It's been a mess for a while now."

"How long is a while?"

"A year."

He smiled weakly. "Funny that."

"Yeah," she agreed. "You want something to drink?"

"No," he stated.

She turned to see him staring at her.

"What do you want then?"

His eyes locked on hers. "I need you to know… Kathy was my dream, Liv. She was what you want but never really have. You think you have it, you work hard to find it, but there's always a missing piece. With you," he said. "There was no missing piece. You were the reality. You were everything I ever needed and wanted and sometimes hated and loved and- I don't remember all the months that I wasn't around you. It's a blur, Liv. All of it. What I do remember is you. I remember your strength and your passion and your empathy. I remember the way you put me in my place. The way you fought for what was right, even when fighting me."

Olivia simply stared at him.

"I want the reality," he said. "I want you."

Olivia could have sworn her heart stopped beating. "What are trying to say to me, El. In black and white. What?"

He took a step toward her and slipped an arm around her waist, drawing her to him. She held her breath. "I don't want to be too late. I am trying to tell you that I love you… I am in love with you, Olivia. I have been for years. I just- I was married. I was stupid. I was- I want a chance. I won't blow it again. I won't. I know what it's like to be without you, and I don't want that life. I want you… I want us."

"And what about what I want?" she said, her voice cracking and her heart erratically beating against the wall of her chest.

"What do you want?" he said, tucking her hair behind her ears.

_This. You. Always you._

"Say something?" Elliot pleaded.

Olivia shook her head and silently pressed her lips to his, snaking her arms around his neck to pull him closer. The long-awaited kiss that she'd been dreaming about for twelve years finally came to a head. Finally, Olivia had him in her arms and the reality was so much better than the dream.

She slipped her hand into his and without a word, she led him towards her bedroom.

Life goes on… right?

**Again, I'm so sorry for abandoning this story. I hope you didn't forget it. =/ **

**THE END!**


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